SHADWELL, LONDON – Jared Howard, a regular at the South London Summer Rec League, was devastated to have to inform his team that they will be missing his critical help this upcoming season.
“The worst part about all of this is that I feel like I’ve let my teammates down. It’s not just all the stats; I bring a strong, leadership presence and I work hard at both ends of the floor. I’m not even sure if the team will want to enroll without me,” Howard was heard telling mainly his wife.
Carl Edwards, the Head Coach, was largely unconcerned about Howard’s injury: “Who?”
“There was a guy that kept rummaging through the stats sheets asking where his rebound was recorded but I’m not sure getting drilled in the mouth with the ball counts. I let him play for three minutes because I thought he was a brother of one of the players with some sort of brain issue.”
Howard’s top three plays last season included:
- Resetting the shot clock by hurling the ball off the underside of the rim back into his own face
- Somehow maintaining a relationship with his wife after she witnessed her husband’s forehead get used as a resting place for an opponent’s testicles during a dunk
- Paying the league’s £27 fee within three minutes of the registration link being live
Howard was seen working on his rehab in his back garden by dunking on the toddler basket over his three year old son.