In the dying hours of what remained of 2022, Tom Swanley was seen scribbling down some goals for the new near that far exceeded his ability to achieve them. Barely able to spell “piano,” he even included finally learning the instrument as one of his idiotic objectives.
“2022 was a tough year for all of us, but I can just tell that 2023 is going to be different.”
“I know I said the same thing about this year, and I ended up getting dumped, fired and spent the majority of my time in the gutter; but I received a multipack of deodorant from my mum at Christmas so I really feel much more optimistic about messaging women on dating sites without getting calls from the anti-terrorism division of the Home Office.”
Furthering his delusion, Swanley was also heard saying that 2023 was the year that he was finally going to get his dream body and fix his diet: “I’m going to start hitting the gym regularly during the first three days in January and I’ll stop adding multiple extra slices of cheese to every UberEats Filet-o-Fish order.”
Shortly after, flatmate Jasper Sewell said: “It’s now 1am on the 1st of Jan and Tom has already asked me for 50p so he could get extra cheese from UberEats and I saw him earlier writing threatening first messages to woman on the internet.”